This Is How It Ends

That is what I thought while hunched over on the toilet as my entire abdomen spasmed like it had developed its own internal earthquake detection system and was currently registering a 6.8. All because I took three stool softeners. Not one. Not two. Three. Because when I commit to a cause, I go all in.

It's a good thing I canceled my afternoon cycling class. Can you imagine if those things had kicked in right after I clipped in? I’d have been the first person in history to be airlifted off a stationary bike due to gastrointestinal betrayal.

Let’s rewind for a moment.

There was a time, back when younger Lisa walked this Earth with a reckless colon and a bottle of Imodium in her purse, when I had full-blown IBS-D. That stands for "Irritable Bowel Syndrome: Diarrhea Edition," and yes, it’s every bit as fun as it sounds.

I used to envy people who were constipated. I thought they were the lucky ones.

LUCKY, younger Lisa?

If I could go back in time and smackthelivingshit out of her, both literally and figuratively, I would. She had no idea.

Constipation is not peaceful. It is not dignified. It is not a cute little “oopsie, guess I’m backed up.” No, it is your body turning into a passive-aggressive hoarder of waste. And when it finally decides to let go, it is not a gentle release. It is the digestive version of Mount Vesuvius after a three-day silent retreat.

And that’s all I’m allowed to say about that because Chris says I talk about poop too much.

So I’ll pivot.

Let’s talk about how we’re never satisfied with the body we have until it gets worse. When I had diarrhea, I longed for stillness. When I finally got stillness, I longed for movement.

Aging, hormones, stress, diet, trauma—hell, even joy sometimes—your gut takes it all personally. Like a toxic ex, it remembers everything and reacts accordingly.

There’s no deeper metaphor here, honestly. No moral. No tidy ending. Just me, sitting on the bathroom floor, wondering how this became my life.

But if you’re also somewhere between explosive and immovable, just know, I see you. I salute your digestive resilience. And I recommend not scheduling cardio the same day you experiment with stool softeners.

You're welcome.

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