Lessons Learned from an Alaskan Cruise
I just got back from a week of cruising to Alaska with my husband on Discovery Princess. This was his first ever cruise, and we picked a great ship for it. My first cruise was on a shitty ship when I was in high school. After experiencing Princess, I will definitely go on another cruise. It has taken me A LONG time to try cruising again after my first experience.
In 1989, when I was 17, I went on a cruise with the FHA and Latin Club at South Broward High School from Fort Lauderdale to the Bahamas and back. I have spent 35 years and three months trying to forget this cruise. The waves were 25 feet. It was one of the few ships to go out in a storm. Almost everyone on the ship was vomiting. You’re probably wondering what cruise line this was. Fuck if I can remember. I tried Googling “80s cruise line that was like a floating Econolodge” and nothing came up. I hope they went out of business.
Not only was there a storm at sea, there was a storm on the ship, too. My mother, who had not chaperoned a field trip since the time she went to Markham Park Zoo when I was in kindergarten, was on the ship with my stepdad. So, she went my entire 1-12 scholastic career without even so much as attending a PTA meeting. But a cruise my senior year – she’s there. UGH! My parents were there as walking birth control because they were afraid that my boyfriend and I would have crazy teen sex all over that ship. And we might have done just that, but his Wicked Witch of the West mom wouldn’t let him go. So, my mom barfed for 24 hours for no reason.
Anyway, I set out to write about the lessons learned from my recent cruise. The only lesson I learned from my first cruise is that I should not go on cruises. Now that I have experienced a real cruise, I have learned a few different lessons.
1. They take A LOT of pictures on ships and I’m not photogenic. I have to have my head tilted at a 72 degree angle and rotated just so in order to not look like I am constructed of biscuit dough.
2. The glaciers really are melting. A lot. I have no more words for this.
3. Prescription Seasickness patches are worse than actual nausea. The primary side effect is that is sucks moisture out of all of your mucous membranes. So, every time I swallowed, I felt like I had razors in my throat. I thought I had caught one of those viruses that were going around. Also, my short-term memory was like that of a lifelong pothead. I’m not a user of the ganja.
4. You will buy spa products if they pitch them to you while you have just had a massage and are lying nude under a blanket. Save some money and get up from under the blanket and start getting dressed. The sales pitch will stop.
5. You don’t automatically become an extrovert on a cruise ship like Kathie Lee promised when she sang “Ain’t we got fun” a million times back in the 90s. Chris and I got a lot of reading and napping done, only leaving our balcony and room for meals and port visits. That’s our version of fun.
6. Introverts are far less likely to catch norovirus when it is spreading around a ship. And it was! There were cautionary announcements, hand sanitizer dispensers at the entrance to all restaurants, and when we disembarked, the ship was fumigated with antiviral chemicals. Chris and I are fine.
7. All-inclusive food still has calories. I’m thankful for elastic waist pants and dresses.
8. The 24/7 room service app does not work from home. I had to make my own coffee this morning, you guys!
9. The same goes for the cabin steward. I’m back to washing and replacing my own towels. Where’s my printed daily schedule? WTH!
10. After cruise Mondays are way worse than regular Mondays.
Monday. It’s a whole mood this week. We are back to reality. For a week, Chris and I were able to focus on the beautiful calm ocean. We learned about indigenous people in Alaska. We tasted delicious food. We saw breathtaking scenery, both inside and outside. We slept with our balcony door open to the sound of the ocean. We really enjoyed a break from reality, but now here we are wondering about the results of some medical tests. I can’t really say more about this right now. I’m sorry to vague blog. I’m off to price European cruises.
