I usually kill plants, but I’m really trying with this orchid.

Picture a Friday evening here in the desert. A stupid show is background noising in the background. The dogs are in their preferred spots on the leather sofas they think are theirs. We are all waiting for the thing we have been waiting for all week–Daddy’s arrival home from a work trip.

As soon as they sense Daddy’s Uber is in the driveway, they are up and running to the garage door. Well, Kira and Dulce are running towards the door. Heinz sits on my feet and whines as he is terrified of anyone except Chris and me, and since we have friends, sometimes strangers come through the door.

But not this time! It’s Daddy. And they jump on him immediately as he tries to make his way over to me for a return home kiss.

That’s when he drops his bag and says, “OH MY GOD!” while walking towards the window above the TV in the living room.

I jump out of my seat and put on my sandals quickly, ready to make a run for it. “WHAT?!” I yell. “Is there a snake up there? A scorpion? Or worse yet, a frog?” Those boing at you so they are extra scary.

He grabs the two plants in the window and marches them to the kitchen sink immediately. “You didn’t water the (insert plants name here. FuckifIknow.)” He has them in the side by side sinks running water on them while kicking off his shoes and putting his wallet and keys on the counter.

“Oh, I forgot we had them. I don’t see plants.” I say, with a laugh. And I really don’t notice plants, like ever. I was happy Chris was able to revive his poor thirsty whatevers. I am a plant murderer. It’s murder by neglect though, so I think it’s really just a plantslaughter .

This is why I was scared when I found the orchid and chocolates from my dear friend, Nidhi, on the table outside of my front door. I had no fear of the chocolates. I popped one in my mouth instantly. It was the flower that made me take a deep breath and try to find my inner gardener. I knew that orchids were difficult, and I can’t even handle a regular plant.

But it was and still is a beautiful flower. So, I asked Chris how to care for it. He said, “I think you just put ice cubes in them. I don’t know. I could be wrong” And wrong he was. After a detailed Google search of “how to not kill an orchid” and a chat with a master gardener I happened to meet in a Zoom meeting that day, I have learned that orchids are not tough at all. They are easy for me to understand because they are me. If I could be a flower, I would be an orchid. We are the same kind of difficult.

Like orchids, I like to be in sunny rooms, BUT I don’t like to be in direct sunlight.

I also don’t like ice on my body, or even cold water. Nope.

Just like my new beauty, I require bottled water, as the water in Arizona is too hard. That means it is full of minerals for those of you out there that have normal, drinkable water.

I don’t have a tub in the master bath anymore, but when I did, I kind of liked soaking in it for 10 to 15 minutes every third day or so, without any bubbles or other irritants in the tub. This is just like Miss Orchid. She prefers that her bottled water seep in from a bowl that she sits in.

Like me, the orchid (I want to name her Lisa, but Chris wants me to name her Violet) needs special products. I ordered her a “Bloom” spray in a continuous mister that applies just the right concentration of product. This must be done every two to three days.

Since we have no humidity here, and I can’t put my Paula’s Choice moisturizer on her, I also got an empty continuous mister bottle to give her bottled water between bowl baths.

Like me, the color of her roots matters. They must be green, not dried out and brown. But soil around them has to be airy and not too wet. My hairdresser can tell you this is a lot like my hair.

I’ll keep you guys posted, for accountability and all, but so far LISA the orchid is doing well. The master gardener told me she had faith in my ability to take care of an orchid. I hope I don’t disappoint her.