Five Facebook Gurus Who Need to Log Off

About ten years ago, I wrote 10 Tiresome Facebook Friends, a brave exposé on the types of people who make you want to launch your phone into a volcano. At the time, I thought I had covered every flavor of annoying.

I was wrong.

I missed an entire species: The Guru.

The Guru believes they are just a tiny bit smarter than you. Their life's mission? To enlighten you, whether you asked for it or not. And they come in several delightful varieties:

Diet Guru
Keto, paleo, carnivore, raw celery juice and regret. They have found the answer to health, and somehow you are still a lost soul.

Travel Guru
They post inspirational quotes from Bali, which they mostly viewed from the hotel room because the humidity was unacceptable.

Exercise Guru
They love posting mid-squat selfies with captions like, “No pain, no gain. If you are not sweating, you are not living.”

Relationship Guru
Single, married, divorced. It does not matter. They are here to tell you that you are doing love wrong.

Career Guru
They post grindset memes at eleven at night about their five a.m. morning hustle while you are just trying to figure out if a handful of stale tortilla chips counts as dinner.

Let us not forget the Nutrition Guru, the spiritual cousin of the Monsanto Warrior. They are still fighting the good fight against "chemicals" but now also sell a magical elixir that supposedly cures arthritis, taxes, and bad hair days.

Example Post:
"Just drank my Energy Vibration Tea and chased it with a magical peat moss bar. I feel strong enough to outrun a bullet train and poop like a racehorse. Feeling blessed."

These gurus offer deep, meaningful advice every day. They have no insight into their own roaring narcissism. They will also instruct you on how to post properly, because you have obviously been doing it wrong all along.

And for the grand finale, they will argue over Mac versus Android, passionately explaining why their tech cult is the only righteous path to enlightenment.

Here is my advice: When you see a guru in the wild, do not argue. Just nod, smile, and back away while muting them quietly for your own spiritual survival

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